A well-known Xinjiang product, 新疆香梨, or Xinjiang Pears, gets an irresistible reinterpretation by a grocer with questionable English abilities.

As the debate rages on about the implications of a 3600 year old Caucasoid mummy in Xinjiang, a team of international scientists has verified that the oldest stash of marijuana was excavated along with a 2,700 year old “light haired, blue-eyed” mummy near Turpan. According to an American pharmacologist (working, of course, with a Canadian firm), the 789 grams of dried cannabis leaves were definitely for “psychoactive purposes,” though the mode of consumption remains a mystery as “there were no pipes or other tools” in the tomb of the Shaman. Many of the scientists were apparently extremely impressed with how well-preserved the leaves were, which sort of explains why they were so quick to look for some paraphernalia. Also a mystery, in my eyes, are the techniques one uses to ascertain eye color from a 2,700 year old dry corpse. Do mummies still have eyes after all that time? Someone enlighten me, please.

For me, this is a delightful little monkey wrench thrown into the intellectual machines tasked with establishing the Chinese-ness of pre-Han dynasty Xinjiang peoples, like Professor Pan of the Central Asia Research Institute. Granted, it’s not that big of a deal, but I still find it hilarious that following the logic Chinese scholars apply to these mummies, smoking a dooby now ranks alongside the compass, printing, paper, and gunpowder as vital contributions by the Chinese to modern civilization. “I hope we can avoid some of the political liabilities of the issue,” says Russo, the American scientist, well aware of the ubiquitous political impediments to international research in Xinjiang after having been forced by the authorities to jump through hoops for 10 months before making any significant research gains. I agree too. Now that the research has arrived at its first major conclusion maybe fenqing and Uyghur nationalists alike can all congregate in Xinjiang and celebrate, together, one of China’s oldest traditions.

Hat tip to commenter Kahraman – thanks for the heads up!

And so without furhter ado, I present to you the iconic, instant-meme well scene from the movie 300, with the immortal line, “THIS! IS! SPARTA!”… in Uyghur.

Hilarity ensues. Sadly, for some unfathomable reason, the Uyghur dubbers chose not to literally translate “This is Sparta!” into Uyghur – though if you want to go around Xinjiang kicking people into wells, OpkeHessip informs me the best translation would be “BU! DÉGEN! SPARTA!” Or replace Sparta with the name of the city you’re in to be more geographically relevant.

We see that after Leonidas draws his sword, at about 10 seconds, the emissary, in shock, responds “Sen sarang boldimu? Sarang bopsen!” or roughly, “Are you insane? You’ve gone mad!” Then, an awkward fifty seconds later, Leonidas responds to this accusation with,“Toghra. Men sarang boldum, men sarang boldum!” , or “That’s right. I have gone mad, I have gone mad!” where in the English version he delivers his memorable “Sparta” line. Not as unintentionally funny as the original, but that is more than made up for by the fact that IT’S IN UYGHUR! Woo.

Ask the Internet, of course!

This time, John Pasden of Sinosplice is our kindly intermediary. A few days ago he posted links to two humorous maps making rounds as jokes among Chinese netizens: China as seen by Beijingers and China as seen by Shanghainese. The concept is really quite simple: take a map of China, divide it into regional categories, then write in what a Beijinger or Shanghainese generally thinks of that area – so a Beijinger calls Beijing “Grandpa’s Home,” simple enough, but then we find out that Beijingers think prostitutes come from Manchuria, that Yunnan is a place of drug peddlers, and that the south coast is all about making money – oh, and hilariously, Taiwan – “Bitch at grandpa from not going here back then.” Obviously, it’s meant to be that type of rowdy, in-your-face, non-PC type of humor. Which is exactly why its such a good place to mine for info about mutual perceptions among peoples of China. Xinjiang in the eyes of Beijingers?

小偷的老家 – land of the thieves. No surprise – this is a pretty common stereotype about Xinjiangese throughout China – specifically a particular ethnicity from Xinjiang which isn’t difficult to guess. What about Shanghai?

Much more to the point! 小偷 – thieves.

I know I’m not really divulging any shocking revelation when I illustrate through these jokes that Han Chinese from Beijing and Shanghai think Uyghurs are thieves – anyone who has even casually breached the topic of Xinjiang in either city has already received an earful of sincerely delivered warnings to be wary of Uyghur pickpockets, be they in Xinjiang or in Beijing proper. However, I think that by seeing the stereotypes appear in an online joke as this – a popular one at that, so much so that it has spilled into the English speaking blogosphere – ironically adds a layer of seriousness and concreteness to the idea – people like to laugh at the stereotypes presented here, but I feel that such laughter is merely a “guilt release” for a real prejudice among Han Chinese that Uyghurs are, indeed, “all thieves.”

Anyways – the two maps above were meant to be read as a whole unit – you laugh at Beijingers’ and Shanghainese perceptions of Uyghurs – and laugh at their derogatory perceptions of other places as well. For viewing the whole map, and especially if you don’t read Chinese, I recommend heading over to The China Expat where you can find a really super snazzy Flash-based rig that’ll supply not only instant translations but also audio clips of the Chinese.

However, thanks to the sleuthing of Oiwan Lam at Global Voices, I was able to find at a Chinese blog a treasure trove of these little humor maps that go far beyond Beijing and Shanghai – to other localities like Jiangsu and Hunan, and even from the viewpoints of particular personalities like “middle-aged lady seeking marriage” and “pimp.” Rather than fully scrutinizing each individual map as a whole and discovering more about a particular locality or viewpoint, why don’t we go lateral with this data and see what people all over China think of one particular place? Like Xinjiang? A look at Xinjiang as depicted in these maps under the break.

So Beijing – Home of Thieves, Shanghai – Thieves. How about Jiangsu?

Raisins, kebabs, getting drunk on mare’s milk, and elite theives

And Hunan:

Chaos and Raisins

Hubei:

Thieves + Kebabs

Henan:

Thieves + Raisins

Fujian:

“A yellow place.” I think this is mostly a reference to much of Xinjiang being a desert, though the word for “yellow” in Mandarin also means “pornographic” or “sexual.” Unfortunately my command of Mandarin isn’t anywhere near good enough to detect whether or not that’s the implication in this particular map. Maybe someone can look at the original map and help out.

Chengdu:

Where thieves come from

A kid from Manchuria:

Kebabs, beautiful women, a place to travel to one day

Guangzhou Nympho:

A place for wild outdoor sex – first of all, does anyone know what a 豆瓣唐小唐 is? I have no clue, to be frank, but based on everything that’s on the original map (including Xinjiang), I took a wild stab and wrote “nympho.” Also, 野合 means adultery and/or illicit sex, but it also can mean sex outdoors, which I guessed made more sense in this context. I invite anyone with a better understanding to correct me.

Older lady looking for marriage:

“There’s no way I’d marry someone from here (Xinjiang)”

Pimp:

“Got a girl with a big Russian ass here”

Angry Nationalist Youth:

“Has ties with Bin Laden”

And there you have it! Thieves, kebabs, raisins, beautiful women, dangerous men to avoid, tourism, some sort of repressed undercurrent of sexual tension, terrorism: Xinjiang to the Chinese in a nutshell. Naturally, this is nothing definitive and can hardly be called representative, but it merits notice as consistent themes do emerge across jokes claiming to portray different regional ideas, and the jokes seem to be getting a pretty good reception among audiences.

Of course, of equal significance is what we’re not seeing, that is: China in the eyes of Xinjiangren. Where is it? Now that would be priceless, and this blog would definitely look the whole thing over. Any local readers out there up to the challenge? Bonus points if its in Uyghur!

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